Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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