I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think a kid would responsible me up
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
