I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
