i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
