My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize