Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
