We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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