So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
