giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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