Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
