that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
