I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Drunk is a universal language darling
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
