His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
