I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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