Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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