She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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