Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
