there's paper in my vomit.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
