what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
