i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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