If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize