I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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