Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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