all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
