just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
