omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize