Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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