I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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