My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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