Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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