I love black thongs
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
