so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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