My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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