Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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