So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
