I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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