Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There r osticjed everywhere
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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