Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
