guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
