So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
