I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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