Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
