Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
