my phone needs a breathalizer
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
