What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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