i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
