Yo dont text me then not text me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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