I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
