when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
