Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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