I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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