My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
