i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
