good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it's like heaven, but drunker
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize