i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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