Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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