Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
