I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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