Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
