I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
